Week 2, 79 Days Out
It’s the end of August, I’m camping, in a tent, on crown land, there are NO amenities and we cannot see or
hear anyone around, which makes it incredibly peaceful, and you'd think sooo relaxing...
I get out of my tent the first morning, take the first few steps and feel my back, “shit” a few more steps “fuck, no”
It is the same ache and discomfort I’d felt before I started all the rehab at the end of May, and I just had a physio appointment 2 days ago.
“Maybe it’s the night on the air mat”
“Those 5-inch heels aren’t helping”
“It will be okay; you just need to keep going”
I carry on, and start reorganizing the campsite, but I can feel I’m irritated. Man is still sleeping; I take the cat for a walk and then start to pull out everything to make coffee.
As I pull things out from jeep, I'm angry.
“I don’t like this, maybe I don’t’ like camping, it’s so much effort to make a goddam fucking cup of coffee.”
I am becoming more and more unsettled EVERY SECOND.
I can’t even think about what to do next, the camp table feels like a cluttered mess, and I can’t function in clutter.
Man gets outta the tent.
“Did you make coffee”?
“Nope” and my snarky inside voice adds, “all you needed to do was look a little harder to notice I hadn’t”
“What’s wrong” he says
“I just can’t” I respond with my hands up.
I am so angry I can’t think and I can’t talk.
I walk through the trees to the river. There's something about the mountains that jars my brain into knowing there's so much more to life than what I am feeling right now.
The tears start to flow…
I say out loud to myself...
“I had pie for breakfast”
I know right away it’s not the pie, but that’s a start to understanding why I’m crying.
Then it becomes clearer, these 5” heels feel like an impossible task. My back hurts, I have huge mobility issues in my ankles. There’s a tiny part of my that wants to quit
“Is this even worth it?”
Instantly I hear in my head a resounding "Yes".
A wise part of me steps in to say "It’s worth it because working on that old injury is important, restoring mobility closer to what it’s supposed to be is beneficial and you really should’ve done it years ago."
Oh wise on is right. Improving my mobility will allow me to go for longs runs again (which I miss), improve muscle recruitment in my squats, and working on my back will save me from more problems in the future.
Most of all, the reason to keep going is because of this challenging moment right now!
This moment when you start to think of reasons to quietly and politely exit the commitment you made to yourself.
I received another reminder from my wise self.
I’m not trying to win, I’m not a professional athlete, I don’t need to train like one.
I don’t need to get upset about my obstacles; all I need to do is my best.
I don’t want to get upset. I want to be reasonable, logical and wise.
I want to make choices that will benefit me, and stay focused on that.
This is where I really need to connect back to the purpose, why am I doing this?
How will I improve as a person?
How will life be different?
What will I gain?
I need to take time to reflect on these things, or else it will start to become very easy to walk away from this goal.
What I do know so far, is the purpose for doing this competition has many reasons, and all different levels of importance and desire.
1. I’ve been working hard on gaining muscle for the past number of years, I would like to see what that looks like.
2. I want to be more aggressive with goals in my career, more efficient and productive. I let fear get in the way and I don’t’ want to do that anymore.
By doing this competition, I will see the fear easier, because fitness is an area that I am MOST confident in, in my life.
This was a lot to recognize on this particular morning, I’m still feeling unsettled, but I know through more reflection and awareness I will figure it out.
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Heather Layton – Fitness and Nutrition Coach
Get Fit Eat Cupcakes